“Me and the rest of this city of 4 million play a dangerous game of Frogger, with traffic who WILL NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON other than they’ve already hit you.”

I’ve now been in Nairobi for a month. On my first sleep deprived day here working for an NGO, I was thrown into the chaos of Nairobi traffic, I was shown what life consists of in the impoverished communities (slums), and I was introduced to a new take on what passes for clean. Needless to say, I’ve had to adjust my privileged North American standards very rapidly.
Here are some simple ways for you to get down with the people and not feel and look like a fish out of North American waters.

1. Adjust your internal thermometer.
Kenyans are warm and polite. No more can you utter a mere “what’s up?” with your hands still firmly in your pockets. When you’re introduced to Kenyans they’ll take your hand, introduce themselves and welcome you to their country warmly. The other day I was lost. A young lady was kind enough to walk a few blocks out of her way with me to the area I needed to go to. And she stayed there until my friends showed up. Apparently this is the norm here.

2. You smell that?
Forget about breathing fresh air in Nairobi, or any major African city for that matter. Diesel fumes, dust, tire-fire smoke, rotting garbage and open sewage will jockey for position in your nostrils. Get used to it. Carry a handkerchief, not for wearing as a filter, but for blowing chunks of black snot into.

3. Are those men gay?
Highly unlikely as the entire African continent is extremely homophobic. If you are a gay traveler you would be well advised to hide the fact. It is not uncommon for openly gay Africans to get beaten and killed by a mob. A sad and backwards aspect to African culture. So don’t mistake those Kenyan men who are walking down the sidewalk holding hands,  as a sign of liberal society. Men hold hands here. Likely a passed-along Arabic custom.

4. Take a Matatu.
Back in Canada I sometimes feel claustrophobic if more than four people stand closer than three feet to me for more than two minutes. I consider this an affront to my individuality and personal freedom. That’s why I drive everywhere. Here I ride in buses, known as Matatus, that seat 10 but somehow squeeze in 20, that blast hip-hop out of crackling, over-taxed speakers, and at times reek of vomit, and always of body odour and diesel smoke. Matatus are a thrilling and super cheap way to get to know the city, hear what’s rocking the Nairobi airwaves and meet some locals. I rarely take a taxi. If I need a break from the Matatu experience I stay home or I choose to walk, some times for miles.

5. Traffic lights? What traffic lights?
If I did drive here I wouldn’t wait patiently for a red light to turn green at 2am when it’s obvious there are no vehicles or pedestrians around, like everyone does back in countries where green means go and red means stop. In Nairobi there are a handful of street lights that are rarely obeyed in the first place. Me and the rest of this city of 4 million play a dangerous game of Frogger, with traffic that WILL NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON other than they’ve already hit you. At times one can be fooled into thinking there’s a flow to this game. Mostly though, negotiating traffic means you are one step closer to death. The way they drive is one of the few gripes I have with Kenyans.

6. Hey white man!
You will hear the word Muzungu until you’re blue in the face. If you’re Asian you may hear Jet Li or Bruce Lee called out to you. Very few people will say the word as an offense. Yes, yes, I know, saying, hey Black man to an African in any North American city is highly inappropriate, but on this continent, white folks are still a novelty. Prepare yourself for being a minor celebrity (especially if you are in your twenties and thirties) just because of the colour of your skin.

7. How are you?times a thousand.
The first thing kids learn to say to foreigners, ad infinitum, is how are you? Now pitch it up to the highest register a human can produce and say it as one monotone word, howahyou, and there you have what you will hear many times every day. It’s cute–the first hundred times you hear it. After that it may pose a challenge for you to continually reply, “Poa“, or fine.

8. Forget about the NFL, NHL or NBA.
Because you will watch soccer now. And Kenyans will bond over a Tusker and a soccer match if you do.

9. How much do those jeans cost?
Back home I deliberate over whether I should spend $150 on a pair of Levis or $300 on organic cotton Loomstate jeans. In Kenya, the average annual income is less than $500. You can get by on spending little. Throwing your money around will get you robbed, dirty looks, or, if you’re one of those hard-up, grey-haired rich Westerners, a Kenyan wife.

10. Excuse me, where’s the nearest Macdonalds?
If you’re after a Big Mac or a bucket of KFC, you will go through withdrawl here. Kenya has no American fast food chains whatsoever. Thank Christ! Chapatis, beans, rice, ugali, beef stew and all the fresh mangoes you can stuff your face with!
If you do find yourself in a poorer part of town getting down with the locals and someone offers you some of their food. Accept the offer. Showing that you’re not afraid to share with them goes a far distance in them accepting you as a friend and not a slum tourist.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 5:40 am and is filed under How May I Help You?, Notes From The Jungle. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.